First Christmas

Meant to post this on December 31st… time flies when you’re getting settled into new routines.

The week of Christmas we moved into our house here in Oklahoma. My dad took time off work to come help move all the furniture, then help unpack everything and clean leading up to Christmas.

Traditionally we celebrate Christmas on the afternoon/evening of the 24th but due to the move my mother arrived that afternoon and we met my brother and his girlfriend Helena out for dinner. Then on the 25th, like most Americans, we celebrated Christmas with our traditional family meal. Felt a bit different but I was so happy my family made the trip up to celebrate with us.

The first Christmas of many more to come for Tove. It’s going to be so much fun 🎄🤶🏼

High five!

Yesterday marked Tove turning five months old. A whole handful of months- high five to getting this far 😅

Five months out of the womb sure went faster than five months of pregnancy.

Tove is almost to the point of turning from her back onto her front. She’s fascinated by all things beverage/bottles – la croix, topo Chico, water and beers are her current favs. She also mastered griping things with her tiny hands- moms skin on her boobs included (ouch!).

We’ve successfully gotten a room set up for Tove now and she’s taken a few naps in her crib. Sleep has been a little less than stellar since we stopped using a swaddle but we’re still doing one okay stretch in the bassinet at night.

Tove has outgrown most 3-6 sized clothing already. She may be tall like her daddy because the 6-12 pants are already perfect for her. We’ve successfully gotten Tove to wear a bow and a hat without crying at this point as well!

Tove tried carrots for the first time and seemed to enjoy them, frozen blueberries were not as liked.

She shrieks in happiness when she catches eye contact with Tex our dog and I can’t wait to see what this next month of me staying at home with Tove brings.

Ending 2021

Not everyone has the same sentiments regarding 2021 as I do. It has been the greatest year of my life thus far. I couldn’t feel more empowered going into 2022- ready to continue on this path of success for me and my family.

Lots of changes ending this year and I’m really excited to see where next year takes us! Tove is 2 days away from 5 months old and we’ve just moved into our first home (thanks to the help of my parents- slaving away and cleaning over the last week!). I’ll be missing my old job dearly but keeping faith in my abilities going forward into new opportunities in 2022.

Cheers 🥂

3 + 4

Today Tove is 4 months old.

I didn’t write a blog post for her third month, mostly because it felt like chore on my never ending to-do list but also because 143 is a special number to ben and I. It means I love you; there is 1 letter in I, 4 in love, and 3 in you.. 143. A lot of the time I will message Ben 143 instead of writing it out and it’s been this way for as long as I can remember. Ben’s favorite number and his football number was always 4, my number is 3. On top of that.. Tove was born at 4:31 in the morning. So it kind of made sense in my mind to group these two months and blog posts into one.

Tove is still as happy as can be.. until she’s not. She’s finding her voice so lots of random shrieks coming from her these last two months. We’ve had a few tough car rides where she wouldn’t stop screaming. She’s growing to be tall like her Pappa, she’s ~2 feet tall now and we’re convinced she weighs more than 15 pounds. She’s still in size 1 diapers but she’s outgrown all of her newborn and the majority of her size 0-3 month clothing.

We’re still nursing and luckily after 2 weeks of oral exercises Tove’s latch has improved and she’s all healed. She’s definitely teething and putting all the things in her mouth. Tove has also started to hold things with her cute little hands as well. I have conversations with her daily and she’s so close to saying “hej!”

Ben and I live for her giggles and I never want her snuggles to end. We are so in love and my only goal in life is to keep her as happy as she’s been for as long as possible 💓

Just Thought You Should Know

Last night when Ben got off work we all got ready to head out for dinner. I had texted him social capital…? when he was on his way home.

We ordered our usual chicken nachos, Ben also got a fajita chicken taco but the elotes…. WOW I could eat that all day every day.

I told him when we were sat on the patio enjoying our food that it reminded me of our dates we used to have when we first met.

The thing is though, last night was so much better than the early dates. We had Tove with us, Ben drank a Topo Chico since he was driving and I had one canned wine (which got me tipsy 🤪) and we were so much more content. I didn’t feel the NEED to drink more or stay out later because I had everything that matters to me.

I’m so proud of Ben as a father and thankful he’s my partner in all of this. We’ve been through a lot together that’s tested our relationship but never once has he given me a reason to doubt his commitment to me and now us. I love you so much babe and I’m honored to give you the chance to create the most special daddy-daughter bond. I love my dad more than words can say and I just know in my heart that Tove is going to feel the same way about you. Thank you for making us feel loved and for rolling with the punches… quite literally when Tove gets at ya 😛

The littlest bean

Throwback to when Tove was just 5 days old. I look at this photo and feel ALL THE FEELS. Everything was so new for her, for me, for our little family. We were still struggling with feeding due to tongue tie and I was having a hard time with my breastpump. My hormones were all over the place. Ben would come find me in the room just bawling my eyes out. Exhaustion, fear, and anxiety were pumping through my veins.

Yet here we are..

it’s amazing the amnesia after giving birth. I miss the newborn stage already but I’m trying to also remember how much of a struggle it was. I felt like nobody prepared me for the fourth trimester. I did so much prep for giving birth when in reality I should’ve been preparing for when we brought her home.

The best part of the photo is that it’s edited 😅 below is the real deal- taken at 2:42am with a pillow case covered in after birth mess and newborn poop.

Two as Three

Today Tove “turned” two months old; two months of our family being three instead of just the two of us. The meaning of time changed completely the moment she was born; Ben and I say that time is just a construct now. Doesn’t matter how many hours we’ve slept in a day because her life goes on and she still needs us. Doesn’t matter if it’s 3am and she wants to feed, mamma has to eat as well. So we’re just rolling with the punches and I think we’re managing pretty well all things considered!

We’ve graduated to size 1 diapers from newborn and she’s almost fitting perfectly into 3 month old onesies 😱. Still not getting longer stretches of sleep but we’re also not on a consistent routine since my work schedule is all over the place. The swaddles though- brilliance.

Tove is definitely more alert now. She will follow you with her eyes and she’s almost to the point where she can hold her neck up on her own. An improvement from when she used to headbutt my collarbone. That first week I thought she was going to give herself a concussion 🤕

We have dance parties and Tove seems to be pretty fond of Kasey Musgraves new album 💿 but at night she’s all about the white noise Spotify playlist for babies.

She also eats SO QUICKLY, it’s like she’s chugging on my breast 😅. Pumping at work has been a challenge, and I leaked visibly yesterday. But we’re happy she’s eating well and growing! Some latch issues still so we’ve got an appointment for a lip and tongue tie evaluation towards the end of this month.

Every day is a new struggle but filled with so many AMAZING moments. I can’t describe the feeling I get from seeing her happiness just from the sound of my voice. Pure love 💕 ❤️

Texas Abortion Ban

This one hits close to home, in more ways than one. Not only did we consider having Tove in Dallas, but we also have family/friends still in Texas. Unfortunately rumor has it that Oklahoma is pushing for similar laws to go into effect here as well. This also hits close to home because like this post I shared on Instagram, there are so many reasons behind why a woman would ever choose to have an abortion.

I got pregnant in 2020 around the time Covid hit. Ben and I were SO EXCITED! Especially since all Ben has ever wanted in life is to be a dad. Having never been pregnant before, we immediately told our family the second I had taken multiple pregnancy tests and they all came back “pregnant”. When I saw the results on the pregnancy tests I cried because I was so happy and emotionally unprepared for what that feeling was going to be. We weren’t trying for a baby but I hadn’t gotten my period and well.. maybe the stars had aligned? So I scheduled an appointment with an OB, little did I know that I was about to be “Vanessa”.

I believe I was 6-8 weeks pregnant when I had my first appointment (this is the first time I’m writing about this and/or thinking about it since I pushed these memories into a “forget” folder in my brain.). Ben was at work so I drove to Edmond on my own and met with the OB for my appointment. Everything was normal until they went to listen for the heartbeat. I laid there on my own as they kept trying to search for one without avail. Something didn’t feel quite right. They told me not to worry because it was still early on in my pregnancy, maybe we were too early in fact and it just hadn’t developed yet. So I was sent to get some blood work/labs done next door and come back for my second appointment in 2 weeks. I left feeling very uneasy, but also had to share the “no news” with Ben that evening.

Was I worried? Hell yeah I was. But I had never been pregnant before and wanted to trust the doctors. However, a few days later I miscarried in the middle of the night in our apartment bathroom. It was a traumatic experience, but I am SO LUCKY that I didn’t need medical intervention. Or that I didn’t have to carry a “baby” to term who never even developed a heartbeat because I was past that 6 week mark. I am still grieving the loss from our first pregnancy, so much so that it totally robbed us of any joy our first trimester with Tove. In fact when I took the pregnancy tests and they came back “pregnant” I cried when I told Ben because I was so damn worried we wouldn’t be able to carry to term again. Plus I was so sick following the miscarriage and it continued well into my pregnancy with Tove. I was barely able to eat, I was violently vomiting all the time and had terrible IBS symptoms.. it was a nightmare. I cried so much in the beginning because I was scared to feel any resemblance of joy in case I got robbed again. We waited until the second trimester to tell our parents this time around and my mom told me “we are your family, you could’ve still told us” and it wasn’t that I didn’t want to share with everyone it was that I didn’t want to have to answer those calls or texts if I had another miscarriage. The aftermath was gut wrenching and emotionally draining and I didn’t want to have to share that with anyone again. Now imagine having to share with them that we had to have an abortion mid-pregnancy because our pregnancy was no longer viable. That’s definitely not something you want to share with the world.

Luckily we now have a beautiful HEALTHY baby, whom I was able to carry to full term but I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t called planned parenthood out of fear because I didn’t think I could handle being so sick and losing another child. So to take away these rights from girls and women is so fucking ludicrous, and it hurts my heart for the ones who didn’t have as favorable of outcomes as we did. An abortion isn’t a quick fix or an easy decision, and I for one hope that my daughter will have the right to autonomy over her own body.

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