I thought I had lost myself along the way with having a child and having changed my habits drastically in the last few years.
Somehow I found a new My (me 😝) when Tove was born; A stronger, more confident woman.
Traveling again and people watching has invigorated the old My. Not the bad habits or the mental issues… although let’s be real the mental monsters never go away, you just find a better way to manage them. But I feel like myself again, FUCKING FINALLY. I would apologize for the swear words, but no, that’s exactly how I feel.
I’ve been so torn between being My and being a mother and you know what? You can have your cake and eat it too. I can be the true me and be a great mother to my daughter.
I’ve needed this break so badly and I’m so thankful that I’ve gained the clarity to continue working to achieve my dreams. I cannot wait to show Tove the world and not let go of my own desires along the way.
Everyone warns you about how much your life changes when you have children but nobody ever emphasizes how much better you become as a person. Being a mother has empowered me to feel strongly and stand my ground.
Yet here we are living in a man’s world. I cried ugly tears while getting ready and watching the news this morning. Oklahoma passed a total abortion ban.
Was I planning on getting an abortion? No. Should I have that right? 100% yes.
I can no longer raise my daughter in this state because I will not deny her those BASIC rights. Nor will I ever subject her to having to carry the burden if she were to be raped. Fucking ludicrous.
Religion has no place in politics- especially not in the 20th century.
That being said, women in Saudi Arabia actually have more rights than in Texas, Oklahoma and Kentucky.
Abortion in Saudi Arabia is legal; In cases of risk to a woman’s life, fetal impairment, or to protect her physical and mental health. Pregnancy arising from incest or rape also qualify for a legal abortion under the mental health exemption. Oh AND she has four months to get it in these cases.
So we’re actively working on a 5-10 year plan that hopefully gets us out of this state before it’s too late… ✌🏼
This one hits close to home, in more ways than one. Not only did we consider having Tove in Dallas, but we also have family/friends still in Texas. Unfortunately rumor has it that Oklahoma is pushing for similar laws to go into effect here as well. This also hits close to home because like this post I shared on Instagram, there are so many reasons behind why a woman would ever choose to have an abortion.
I got pregnant in 2020 around the time Covid hit. Ben and I were SO EXCITED! Especially since all Ben has ever wanted in life is to be a dad. Having never been pregnant before, we immediately told our family the second I had taken multiple pregnancy tests and they all came back “pregnant”. When I saw the results on the pregnancy tests I cried because I was so happy and emotionally unprepared for what that feeling was going to be. We weren’t trying for a baby but I hadn’t gotten my period and well.. maybe the stars had aligned? So I scheduled an appointment with an OB, little did I know that I was about to be “Vanessa”.
I believe I was 6-8 weeks pregnant when I had my first appointment (this is the first time I’m writing about this and/or thinking about it since I pushed these memories into a “forget” folder in my brain.). Ben was at work so I drove to Edmond on my own and met with the OB for my appointment. Everything was normal until they went to listen for the heartbeat. I laid there on my own as they kept trying to search for one without avail. Something didn’t feel quite right. They told me not to worry because it was still early on in my pregnancy, maybe we were too early in fact and it just hadn’t developed yet. So I was sent to get some blood work/labs done next door and come back for my second appointment in 2 weeks. I left feeling very uneasy, but also had to share the “no news” with Ben that evening.
Was I worried? Hell yeah I was. But I had never been pregnant before and wanted to trust the doctors. However, a few days later I miscarried in the middle of the night in our apartment bathroom. It was a traumatic experience, but I am SO LUCKY that I didn’t need medical intervention. Or that I didn’t have to carry a “baby” to term who never even developed a heartbeat because I was past that 6 week mark. I am still grieving the loss from our first pregnancy, so much so that it totally robbed us of any joy our first trimester with Tove. In fact when I took the pregnancy tests and they came back “pregnant” I cried when I told Ben because I was so damn worried we wouldn’t be able to carry to term again. Plus I was so sick following the miscarriage and it continued well into my pregnancy with Tove. I was barely able to eat, I was violently vomiting all the time and had terrible IBS symptoms.. it was a nightmare. I cried so much in the beginning because I was scared to feel any resemblance of joy in case I got robbed again. We waited until the second trimester to tell our parents this time around and my mom told me “we are your family, you could’ve still told us” and it wasn’t that I didn’t want to share with everyone it was that I didn’t want to have to answer those calls or texts if I had another miscarriage. The aftermath was gut wrenching and emotionally draining and I didn’t want to have to share that with anyone again. Now imagine having to share with them that we had to have an abortion mid-pregnancy because our pregnancy was no longer viable. That’s definitely not something you want to share with the world.
Luckily we now have a beautiful HEALTHY baby, whom I was able to carry to full term but I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t called planned parenthood out of fear because I didn’t think I could handle being so sick and losing another child. So to take away these rights from girls and women is so fucking ludicrous, and it hurts my heart for the ones who didn’t have as favorable of outcomes as we did. An abortion isn’t a quick fix or an easy decision, and I for one hope that my daughter will have the right to autonomy over her own body.