Texas Abortion Ban

This one hits close to home, in more ways than one. Not only did we consider having Tove in Dallas, but we also have family/friends still in Texas. Unfortunately rumor has it that Oklahoma is pushing for similar laws to go into effect here as well. This also hits close to home because like this post I shared on Instagram, there are so many reasons behind why a woman would ever choose to have an abortion.

I got pregnant in 2020 around the time Covid hit. Ben and I were SO EXCITED! Especially since all Ben has ever wanted in life is to be a dad. Having never been pregnant before, we immediately told our family the second I had taken multiple pregnancy tests and they all came back “pregnant”. When I saw the results on the pregnancy tests I cried because I was so happy and emotionally unprepared for what that feeling was going to be. We weren’t trying for a baby but I hadn’t gotten my period and well.. maybe the stars had aligned? So I scheduled an appointment with an OB, little did I know that I was about to be “Vanessa”.

I believe I was 6-8 weeks pregnant when I had my first appointment (this is the first time I’m writing about this and/or thinking about it since I pushed these memories into a “forget” folder in my brain.). Ben was at work so I drove to Edmond on my own and met with the OB for my appointment. Everything was normal until they went to listen for the heartbeat. I laid there on my own as they kept trying to search for one without avail. Something didn’t feel quite right. They told me not to worry because it was still early on in my pregnancy, maybe we were too early in fact and it just hadn’t developed yet. So I was sent to get some blood work/labs done next door and come back for my second appointment in 2 weeks. I left feeling very uneasy, but also had to share the “no news” with Ben that evening.

Was I worried? Hell yeah I was. But I had never been pregnant before and wanted to trust the doctors. However, a few days later I miscarried in the middle of the night in our apartment bathroom. It was a traumatic experience, but I am SO LUCKY that I didn’t need medical intervention. Or that I didn’t have to carry a “baby” to term who never even developed a heartbeat because I was past that 6 week mark. I am still grieving the loss from our first pregnancy, so much so that it totally robbed us of any joy our first trimester with Tove. In fact when I took the pregnancy tests and they came back “pregnant” I cried when I told Ben because I was so damn worried we wouldn’t be able to carry to term again. Plus I was so sick following the miscarriage and it continued well into my pregnancy with Tove. I was barely able to eat, I was violently vomiting all the time and had terrible IBS symptoms.. it was a nightmare. I cried so much in the beginning because I was scared to feel any resemblance of joy in case I got robbed again. We waited until the second trimester to tell our parents this time around and my mom told me “we are your family, you could’ve still told us” and it wasn’t that I didn’t want to share with everyone it was that I didn’t want to have to answer those calls or texts if I had another miscarriage. The aftermath was gut wrenching and emotionally draining and I didn’t want to have to share that with anyone again. Now imagine having to share with them that we had to have an abortion mid-pregnancy because our pregnancy was no longer viable. That’s definitely not something you want to share with the world.

Luckily we now have a beautiful HEALTHY baby, whom I was able to carry to full term but I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t called planned parenthood out of fear because I didn’t think I could handle being so sick and losing another child. So to take away these rights from girls and women is so fucking ludicrous, and it hurts my heart for the ones who didn’t have as favorable of outcomes as we did. An abortion isn’t a quick fix or an easy decision, and I for one hope that my daughter will have the right to autonomy over her own body.

Donate to help other women HERE if you’d like.

Birthing Pod

What a sense of relief this week has brought us! Not only did we decide on a midwife, but we also chose where we are going to birth our baby girl this summer.

I had my consultation with Brandy Harris from Willow Birth Services at the OKC Birth Center and fell in love instantly. She was open and honest and INFORMATIVE, not just directive. The birth center itself is brand spanking new this year; had their first birth this past week as well 🥰. The interior reminded me of homes in Sweden and that right there is what sold me. If my daughter isn’t going to be born in Sweden then I might as well make it DAMN CLOSE in esthetics. Plus I believe the space in which you birth should be equally as intimate at the space in which you conceived.

After struggling through appointments with FOUR different doctors, we settled on a natural birth. I hate hospitals and the business of being born in the states is overwhelming as a first time mom. I felt like a number, rather than a patient; I wasn’t about to pass that onto my child.

I am still vastly unprepared and uneducated on child birth, which is why we chose to hire some amazing women to help us. We will be working with a midwife, her assistant, as well as a doula. Ben, being a Magic The Gathering player, named our birthing team after a card and I’m here for it 😛 . I think I may have forgone having a doula if my mother was going to be present at the birth, or if this wasn’t our first rodeo, but ask me again after and I might have a different answer.

I will be having an unmedicated birth, which frankly still scares the daylights out of me but I believe mindset is everything. My body was made for this, I am a woman and am meant to bring new life into this world. If I mentally prepare then my body will know how to do the rest. Which is also the precise reason I chose the women I did to work with during our birth. They come with experience, knowledge, and advice that the internet can’t give me. I am also super thrilled to have Ben be an integral part of our birth, rather than an anxious dad in the corner of a hospital room.

For the first time during this pregnancy I can honestly say that I am excited to have birth! Maybe not so excited about all aspects but I feel empowered with the team we’ve chosen. 🤗

It’s Okay To Not Be Okay, OKURR?

Nervous, anxious, and excited all at the same time! 💜🙃✌🏼

This is a cause that I hold dear to my heart. I’ve struggled with binge eating and bulimia since the age of 13, and I’ve yet to win the battle. Mental illness truly has no cure… help me support others who are suffering as well as raising awareness for #nedawalk by making a donation to my team! 

Not only was I held inpatient at Children’s Medical of Dallas who are sponsoring the event, but I also bought and read a book by the event speaker, Jenni Schaefer. Her book “Life Without ED,” helped me help myself, and helped my support network support me. 

YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

Current playlist; High Five

You know, music really just lifts the spirit whichever way it needs to go. Sometimes you need to cry and let it out. Other times you need to scream and release the anger. Then there are times when you’re just so happy that you NEED to sing; along to something of course, this isn’t The Voice let’s be real.

In case you’re in need of new jams or just some background tunes for your commute, I’m currently playing these songs on repeat:
 

NR. 1:


Artist: Sasha Sloan
Song: Runaway

“I know I did all the shitty things to you
I said I never ever would
Baby, that’s so like me”

NR. 2


Artist: Tove Lo
Song: Cycles

“I’m in a cycle
Yeah, I admit it
How can I change it when I don’t know when I’m in it?”

NR. 3


Artist: Lil Peep
Song: Beamer Boy

“I feel like I’m a no one, that’s what they told me
I’mma show ya, baby I was chosen”

NR. 4


Artist: Erika Norwich
Song: Ballerina

“When my mom complained about my health
Ballerina thought I felt alone when she had no idea what I felt”

NR. 5


Artist: Avicii
Song: Lonely Together (feat. Rita Ora)

“I might hate myself tomorrow, but I’m on my way tonight
Let’s be lonely together
A little less lonely together”

PSA there are currently only two playlists that I’ve made public, but if you’re interested in more of my musical ‘taste’ follow me on Spotify

Farm-to-Table

Following in true nerd fashion, I got my friend to come along to downtown of an area called McKinney in order to play Pokemon Go (I’m slightly obsessed). While we were there we decided to eat. This was a critical moment.. I get HANGRY, and that’s not a good look on anyone.

So we parked the car in the town square. I love it because it feels very old school Texas in this area, the court house is even in the middle of the square. Anyways, going off topic here. So we parked right in front of this local restaurant. Figured we’d look at the menu and after we decided ‘Why the hell not?’

So in we go and to be honest I was shocked. It was cozy, and felt very rustic. We sat at a secluded table and eyed the menu once again. We ordered the ribeye with bearnaise sauce (is your mouth drooling? Cause mine is!) and the serrano caesar salad.

The food was amazing. We had the peach cobbler for dessert and I don’t think I’ve ever been happier to live in Texas. My god the food was awesome. 

So if you’re ever around downtown McKinney make sure to stop by Harvest. They’re a seasonal kitchen devoted to finding local ingredients. Plus its delish. 

BINGO!

I can’t help but laugh at myself. I’ve been so bored being jobless and whatnot that I’ve started clinging to my brother like a leech. “Where are you going?” “What are you doing?” “Plans for tonight?” “Dinner..?” 

So after getting bored with the whole Pokemon Go fad we had to find a new hobby. We tried bingo. 

Now i will say it was an experience, there was some good people watching and the best part? I ENJOYED IT!

I love finding new things to do- and now that I have a pink marker for the bingo board I’ll most likely be going back again soon… although I think I might have to try the purple and leave my brother with the blue one he bought. 

Murica’

So I know this post is a month late, but hey… better late than never right?


The 4th of July in the United States of America is an excuse to gather and partake in silly shenanigans. I obviously had to join in! 

Luckily a friend of mine decided to have a pool party. At first i wasn’t sure i wanted to go because of the whole ‘being seen in a bikini’ thing, but it turned out well.

We got in the pool, I hide in the shade some, and we even played life-size Jenga! 

I had a blast and I can honestly tell you, there is nothing better than pool days during the Texas summer heat.

Be there, or be square.

 

I always wanted to fit in- and I have, for the most part. I fit in almost every locker, cabinet, and tight spot you can put me in. I don’t like it, but I fit. The question is, where do I not fit in?

I’m half of an inch off of being a legal midget in the state of Texas. Some of you laugh, but it’s taken me many years to come to terms with this. I hated being small. I hated being short. I hated being tiny. For the longest time, I hated my height. Until one day I realized that my height didn’t make me, My. It made me short. BUT, that didn’t have to define me.

Then I struggled with my name. “What’s My short for?”  Well, it’s short but it’s not short for anything. It’s simply two letters: M-Y; pronounced “me”. No it doesn’t mean anything. Yes it should be pronounced “my” and trust me (HA!), you might be clever but I’ve heard just about every damn joke by now. I hated introducing myself. I hated meeting new people. I hated signing papers. For the longest time, I hated my name. Until one day I realized that the jokes didn’t make me, My. It made my name different. BUT, that didn’t have to define me.

After that, my background came into question. So many questions, so difficult to explain. Yes I was born in Sweden. No I didn’t have American citizenship. Yes we immigrated to the United States. No my family doesn’t spend holidays together. Yes I wonder what life would have been like. I answered all of the questions that someone who just stepped ashore in a new land should. Until one day I realized that my visa status didn’t make me, My. It made me an alien. BUT, that didn’t have to define me.

Eventually it led to my friendships. Why was I never able to make the same connection that other girls did? Was it my looks? Was it my background? Or was it simply “My”? I struggled often to understand why I wouldn’t and couldn’t have the same relationships others did. I questioned whether I was likable, whether it was the way I looked,or if it was because I was a foreigner. Until one day I realized that the popularity didn’t make me, My. It made me lonely. BUT, that didn’t have to define me.

Recently I’ve been asked to take “personality,” compatibility,” “intelligence,” and “pre-employment” tests. So far no results have led to an interview or any kind of job offer thereafter. It’s made me feel stupid. It’s made me wonder if I need to change who I am as a human being. It’s made me consider altering the way I act and react. It’s made me question a lot. Until one day I realized that the tests didn’t make me, My. They made me undesirable as an employee. BUT, that didn’t have to define me.

No this isn’t a pity party, nor is this a request to be an exception. This is simply a statement of how we mold ourselves into becoming the perfect specimens, yet never achieve perfection.

It’s truly a shame, because I am different.

My entire life I’ve been taught to try to fit in, yet I am that star block you’re shoving into a square hole. I feel like I no longer have an option, if I want to fit I have to be a square. I need to be what they want and who they want in order to be hired. Because without a job My can’t be me.

The Moth & The Flame

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Some people are like fire, you know they can burn you; but you want them any way. Ending those toxic relationships can be difficult. I was like a moth drawn to a flame, but I eventually decided to put out the fire.

At first, it felt miserable. Like going cold turkey from an addiction. Without the light the moth is left in the darkness, lost with no sense of direction. The flame uses the moth to fuel the fire. Fully aware it has flickered into different shapes in order to trick the moth into the light over and over again. Drawn to the flame, the moth wants so desperately to believe it won’t get burnt. I mean who knew the flame could change into so many different colors?

The flame tries its best to keep the moth around for the benefits. It’s a connection being maintained for a rainy day; when the fire is barely an ember and the moth can be used to give it life again. Like all situations when a moth is drawn to a flame, there are only two possible outcomes. Either the moth gets burnt to ashes in the fire or finds another source of light. Eventually this moth realized its own boundaries; it couldn’t keep flying full force into the flame absorbing and forgiving all the burns.

Sometimes the darkest times can bring us to the brightest place. I usually give people more chances than they deserve but once I’m done, I’m done. I have a limit and when you reach it I dismiss you from my life. It’s that simple.